Fade Away Heart
by Frakme
Summary: A songfic based on The Calling's "Could it be any harder". A song fic based on The Calling's "Could It Be Any Harder". Even though I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the travesty that was "These Are the Voyages", listening to this song and reading a lot of Tucker/Reed fanfic has stuck this plot bunny in my head. *Deathfic*


**Fade Away Heart**

**A song fic based on The Calling's "Could It Be Any Harder", from their album Camino Palmero. The title is also from the song.**

**Even though I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the travesty that was "These Are the Voyages", listening to this song and reading a lot of Tucker/Reed fanfic has stuck this plot bunny in my head. To be honest you could insert any other character into Reed's place but he always strikes me as a man of deep feeling. Plus he is a fellow Brit!**

**I own nothing here, not the characters (though I would love to own Trip!) or the song from The Calling**

It is raining the day we bury my love.

Iron coloured clouds discharge their heavy loads on to the crowd of mourners surrounding the coffin containing the body of Charles Tucker the 3rd as it is slowly lowered into the ground. The Florida sun is absent, grieving for the one who personified it the most for me.

He was my sun and I, who had been captured into his orbit so many years ago, am now cast adrift, like a rogue planet.

No more would I hear his warm laughter in my ears, or feel his hands touching my skin. No more resting my head in his lap as we watched old movies. No more kissing in the warm waters of the Gulf. No more would I feel the ecstasy of him inside me or me inside him as we made love.

As the service comes to a close I found myself fixed to the spot, still feeling the incomprehensible loss. There is still part of me that refuses to believe he is gone.

I feel a hand touch my shoulder, I glance up to see Captain Archer's face looking at me. Grief for his closest friend etches his face. He says something but I cannot hear the words over the screaming in my head. An endless grief that I am careful not to show on my face.

Eventually he moves away with the other mourners and I am left alone with the grave containing my heart. The rain continues, the heavens crying the tears I can no longer shed. I am constantly caught in a loop where I see him being brought from Engineering to Sickbay where he breathed his last, despite Phlox's valiant efforts. Every time I plead for him to live and every time I have to watch helplessly as he succumbs to his injuries.

Eventually the rain slows to a gentle drizzle. I am aware I am soaked to skin, having been stood here for God knows how long. The other mourners have long since left, gone to a wake at a nearby restaurant in accordance with Trip's final instructions.

I cannot bring myself to go, instead I make my way back to San Francisco, to the empty flat where he and I spent so much time in between our service on Enterprise.

My heart is aching as I touch his things, a coat hanging on the coat rack, a stack of PADDs on his desk containing various technical manuals. It had been many months since we had last stayed here so there was no trace of his scent.

On the bed is a grey metal lock box containing the possessions he had had on the ship. I touch it and it opens with a slight "whoof" as the hydraulics slowly lift the lid.

I hold one of his uniforms close to my face, feeling the fabric soft on my skin.

I thought I had cried out all my tears but I found myself racked with sobs as I slowly sink to the floor of our bedroom.

"Trip, I don't think I can do this without you" I whisper through my tears. "If I only had one more day with you."

I slowly empty the box, treating every item with reverence. I put them all away as if I am unpacking from another mission, expecting him to come in the room now to put his strong arms around me and kiss my neck.

Eventually I find a T-shirt that still smells of him, of sandalwood, engine grease and Georgia peaches. Moving the box off the bed I lay down with it in my arms hugging it to my chest and inhaling the familiar scents.

Somehow I drift off to sleep with his name on my lips.

"Hey Malc, darlin'"

I am sat on the bed looking at Trip who looks just as he did when we left for our last mission. He is smiling at me with that same boyish grin that melted my heart all those years ago. But at the same time he is different, the worry lines he had gained over the years have faded and his blue eyes have an ethereal glow about them. And the burns that destroyed his beautiful face are no longer in evidence.

I know I am dreaming but I want so badly for it to be real. I reach out and he captures my hand and kisses the palm.

I try to speak but he gestures me to remain silent.

"It's jus' about breaking my heart seein' you like this, Love," he says softly. "I'm sorry that I left you, it weren't my intention. But I guess fate had other ideas.

"I don't regret it, the price I paid was worth it to keep you safe. An' I expect you to remember that." He looks at me seriously.

"It's hard, Trip"' I admit, "I don't know if I can go on without you."

"Well you jus' gotta," he replies, fiercely." Otherwise it weren't worth it."

He holds out his arms and I fall into them. He gently kisses my lips and my tear stained cheeks. Then he grips my shoulders and looks into my eyes, pouring into me all the love he gave me in life.

"I'll be waitin' for ya, when yer time comes, don't ya worry 'bout that." He says tenderly. "You are strong, Malcolm and I know you can get through this." He gives me one last kiss on the forehead.

"I love ya" he whispers, then he fades away and I am left alone.

I wake abruptly, still feeling that dream kiss.

He is right. Some how l have to live for the both of us. But it will be hardest thing I have ever done.

**A/N was that maudlin enough for you?**

**A/N2 I have removed the song lyrics to keep within submission guidelines. If you want to read the original version, I would be happy to email you a pdf version.**


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